I want to talk about one thing that you can stop doing that is going to help you improve so much faster, and that thing, though it might sound like sacrilege, is to STOP DRINKING.
So I want to talk about how to get better in your social skills, your charisma, and, specifically.
Now, a lot of people look at me like I’m crazy when I say this. They’re like, “What does my drinking occasionally when I’m with friends have to do with my charisma and social skills?”
Well, there’s three main things, three benefits that you can expect to see when you cut out drinking, and here’s what they are.
Benefits of giving up alcohol
To improve passive social skills
The first one is that your passive social skills, without even thinking about it, begin to improve when you stop drinking, and the reason is very simple. Social skills are a skill, right?
When you’re playing the guitar, when you’re playing soccer or anything else, you wouldn’t get sloshed or have a couple of drinks to loosen up beforehand because that will slow the learning process down. You wouldn’t be picking up the little things.
Now, when you go out to a networking event and first have two drinks before you start to mingle and feel comfortable, what you’re actually doing is you are slowing yourself down, and you’re going to passively pick up far less than you would if you just force yourself to deal with it, push through, be courageous, and sober, and see what happened around you.
Build social skills by quitting alcohol
The second is that the active building of your social skills drops tremendously, and this is a huge one because I often think of these debriefs that I use to do, and then, when I was much shyer, I’d go out into a social situation, and I would look at me, and say,
“Okay, what’s going on?”
And then, I’d come home afterwards, and I’d say,
“What happened there?
How did it go?
Who was I comfortable with?
Who was I uncomfortable with?”
And, most importantly, what do I wish that I had done differently?
How could I change?
What would I have said instead?
Now, of course, when you’re drinking, the first thing that goes is your recall. So you go try to debrief after a night that you’ve had three drinks, you’ll go, “Well, I think I talked to them, and then I’ve spoken to them, but I don’t know how we started the conversation.”And you cannot get that same sort of learning that comes from dealing with it.
And, again, you are robbing yourself of the experience of being courageous in a social situation, which is 50% of the battle when it comes to being more charismatic and social and outgoing.
Alcohol: Spoils social life
And you know the kind of night where you’re just going out when you’re out when you’re not planning anything special. Well, that’s what happened to me. I was in New York City going out with some friends, not planning on anything cool when I walked into this bar, and immediately, first thing, saw this woman that I had to get to know, and I thought, “You know exactly what to do.
I was in New York City going out with some friends, not planning on anything cool when I walked into this bar, and immediately, first thing, saw this woman that I had to get to know, and I thought, “You know exactly what to do.
You know to be calm, confident, collected. Do it?
Go to the bar and get three drinks. Better yet, get four drinks, and then, in 25 minutes, come back, and then, you’ll be cool enough, and comfortable enough to make this woman interested.
” And no sooner did that thought pass through my head, then it completely exposed and mocked and embarrassed me because I was not the man that I wanted to be. I was not someone who could do those things. I used alcohol as a crutch to be more comfortable and confident.
Alcohol withdrawal: Side effects of alcoholism
Stops to move forward
You see, while I wasn’t chemically dependent on it, and, maybe, you aren’t either, I was socially dependent on it, and when I look around at the bars, networking events, social events, I see so many people who share this, and it pissed me off.
I was saying to myself, like how could you have let this happen, where you’re supposed to be someone who feels so comfortable and has worked so hard, yet, you still use this masking drug to cover up the ways in which you’re insecure. And from that moment on, that was it.
In social situations, I stopped drinking because it had really viscerally connected with how much it was stopping me from moving forward in all of the ways I want to.
Alcohol does not bring fun
So, I challenge you. If you sense this in networking events, social events, parties, anywhere, even if you’re just out with friends, and you think, “You know what? To have fun what I need to do is drink,” maybe you’re out with the wrong friends or to the wrong event.
Maybe, what you should do, instead, is to learn how to create fun from within, and not need to, basically, turn your brain off to convince yourself that the things around you are interesting, are fun, or that you’re interesting.
So, I challenge you, for once. The next time that you go out and you feel the urge to match other people by drinking, or that you think this would be more fun if I drink, or that you think that I could be more outgoing and confident if I drink, don’t. Just don’t, right?
What happens when you quit drinking?
And if you’re in with this, what you will see is that these benefits, for the first time, is going to feel uncomfortable. They will begin to accrue. You’ll notice things when you’re out.
You’ll be able to debrief afterwards, break down things that went well, things that didn’t, and you’ll have, basically, higher self-esteem because you’re on the road to being the person that you want to be.
So, what I highly recommend is if you’re in, go ahead, comment below, say that you’re in, commit, get some accountability there, even if I don’t comment back to you.
Secondly, if you have any questions about this–What do I say when somebody asks me if I’m drinking?
How do I deal with drunk people?
How do I have fun when I’m not drinking?
–write those in the comments. Those questions will be covered, but
if you have others, write them in and I’ll tell you how I’ve dealt with them over the last three years.
So, hope this has been helpful,